Hall of Shame – Excuses for breaking dates

These all happened to me or people I know.


“Why didn’t you show? I drank three cups of bad coffee waiting for you.”

“I remembered you were a writer and though you might write about me.”

“Seriously? You’re not that interesting.”


“I had a puncture and had to pull onto the hard shoulder and phone for help.”

“And you didn’t think of phoning me to let me know?”

“My phone went flat as soon as I made the call to AA.”


“…and you know I make safe calls, right?”

“What’s a safe call?”

“It’s where I tell a reliable friend who I’m meeting, where and what time I expect to be finished, so she can raise the alarm if there is a problem.”

“You don’t need to do that, I’m perfectly safe.”

“I wouldn’t be meeting you if I didn’t think you were, but it’s good practice, and I always do it.”

“That’s creepy. I don’t want to meet you now.”


“Oh, I can’t meet you anywhere in Dublin 2.”

“Why not?”

“My friend works in Dublin 2. He might see me with you.”

I thought I scrubbed up well enough to be seen in public, but clearly not.


“And you’re going to be wearing a black pencil skirt, tight white blouse, seamed stocking and high heels, with bright red lipstick and hair in a bun, right?”

“No, we’re meeting for coffee in Starbucks. I’ll be wearing jeans and a jumper.”

“No point meeting then, is there?”


“I can’t make it. My friend is getting divorced and I’m his character witness.”

“Irish divorce courts don’t have character witnesses.”

“Who are you, the Gestapo? Stop cross-examining me.”


“Sorry I couldn’t make it. My wife found out I was going to meet you.”

“You’re married?”

“Did I not mention that?”

“No. Goodbye.”


“You wrote that book, The Pleasures of Winter, didn’t you?”

“With Caroline, yeah.”

“I’m going to need you to sign something saying you are not going to put me in your next book.”



“So we are meeting in Insomnia for coffee tomorrow. Can you send me a pic so I’ll know you?”

One cock pic later…

“Goodbye.” Block and delete.


“Hi, nice to meet you.”

“Yes, very nice.”

“Excuse me while I use the bathroom.”

Climbs out bathroom window and is never seen again.

Technically not an excuse, but clearly belongs in the hall of shame.


“I got called into work unexpectedly, and there was no phone signal where I was to let you know.”

“I saw you posting stuff on the internet.”



“Sorry, my phone got stolen and I couldn’t check with you where we were supposed to meet.”

“You’re ringing me from your phone now.”


“You write about all that kinky stuff in your books, don’t you?”


“So when we meet, are you going to put me across your knee and spank me?”

“In Costa Coffee? No, I don’t think so.”

“I won’t bother then.”


“You didn’t confirm this morning.”

“We arranged the date yesterday.”

“But you didn’t confirm that you were going to be there, so I assumed you wouldn’t be.”


Ring ring. “Are you in Starbucks yet?”

“It’s five past, we agreed to meet at noon, so yes. Where are you?”

“I’m at home, but if you are there, I’ll get the car out and meet you. I’ll be there in half an hour.”

“I won’t.”

“It’s raining.”

“We’re meeting in Bewleys. Indoors.”

“I don’t go out in the rain.”

“This is Ireland. It rains a lot.”

“And your point is?”



About Eileen Gormley

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